| perfect |
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| 09:57am 10/04/2005 |
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mood:  sleepy
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okay...well...justin and I broke up. I didnt take it too well. I cried alot. Then blazed and got over it. Like it still upset me and all but i didnt cry and i smiled and had a good time. So i went to school the next day. blazed three times and got drunk then went home. that night i went out with alan danielle russle and tiago. we picked up some beer. then a couple of grams. we went and blazed and danielle and i drank and then we played tag. after i took off and went home. at around 12 justin called so we had a big talk lasting almost till 2. He said he still wanted to be friends and he wanted to hang out the next day. i didnt know how to feel about that. it still kinda hurt to see him. i woke up the next morning and cleaned a bit. then talked to alan and cody. alan and i dicided we were going to have a BBQ that night and play capture the flag. justin came over for a bit. it was strange being around him. the icecream man came down my street and justin got excited so i went and bought him an icecream. it was cute. he was happy. we then went into my house to play mariocart. i lost because we were having a talk during it and he kept rubbing me leg. that fucker. i got bad cause he kept acting like we were going out so i threw water on him. we then walked to his house and i watched him clean his backyard. alan called and asked if we wanted to go play football before the BBQ we said ya and that we'd walk over to the pool right away. well we ended up sitting on the couch with him resting his head in my lap kissing my hands arms and neck. that made me really sad because i knew he was just doing it to bug me. what a jerk face. he asked me if i still wanted to be with him and i told him yes. he siad he found thats surprising because he was being such an ass to me. oh well. then after a bit we dicided we would go back out. then we went to my place and cleaned georges cage. after we walked to the pool and justin played football while i sat and talked to danielle about russles bum. HA. we had a few good laughs. a person flipped out on me. pissed me off cause i always saw the guy as a bestfriend. but now he seems to dislike me. i went to touch him to fix his shirt and he yelled at me. erp. that sucked. we all walked to danielles where we ate and played around. then andrew and jay took off leaving russle danielle alan kevin justin and i. alan russle danielle and i blazed. then we took of to play capture the flag. ooo it was sooo much fun...wait...i dont remember. but i didnt know how to play. cody called and i told him about me and justin. he got upset. then justin hung up on him and the same person who had gotten pissy with me before showed up and was trying to get cody on the phone so he could start shit. bah. oh well. just took my phone and wouldnt give it back so i didnt get to call cody. then justin and i went and had sex on a slide. i came twice. we shared a smoke then walked back to danielles when we fooled around a bit more. then justin and i walked home. i was thinking about the frogs... |
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| people are lame |
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| 07:40am 04/04/2005 |
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AHK. havent slept yet and i have to go to school right away. everything i eat tastes like slime. the coffee i put in my mouth wont slide down my throught. i ate pasta salad only to puke it up and noticed there were chunks of black in my vomit. hopfully my mom is poisoning me. then how would justin fuck me over? tell everyone i did it to my self. make them all hate me? cut off my already dead head....hum...i dunno...he fucked up. but i fucked up in trusting him...it looks like im going back to live the zero again. not that thats a bad thing. it should be nice not to feel anymore. not to care. hopfully i make it back out when im ready though. it keeps getting harder and harder to come back. but fuck it. after this. i dont want to. |
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| 10:48am 19/02/2005 |
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No matter what someone doesnt aprove of the things i do. Either its alex not aproving of smoking and drugs. or collin not aproving of me walking home alan. or alan not aproving of me spending time with jew. or jew not aproving of me dating alan. or my parents not aprove of my grades. FUCK! im sick of it. i dont give a shit if you dont like what i do. im my own person and i'll make my own choices. Fucking justin is pissing me off with all the lies. and i found out alan is lying about us too. ack...its such bullshit. i really wish i had gone out with steven at 2 when he called and asked me to chill...but i couldnt even lift my head. damn. oh well. |
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| dont say sorry |
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| 12:22pm 12/02/2005 |
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Well. Mark and i got in a fight lastnight. so he dicided im going to go fuck over brigit and tell alex shes back on drugs. so im on the phone with alan and the other phone rings. long distance ring. amy says its for me. i knew it was him. the first thing he does it yell to me about crack and meth. hes not to please. i dont know why atfrist so i tell alan i'll call him back. alex was very upset. so he read me the email mark sent him. i stopped wondering why he was so upset then. marks a fucking asshole who likes to make things seem worse. alex made a deal with me. if i stay away from the hard drugs. he will see me when he comes in. well. let me tell you i dont want him to see me like this. we talked for a bit longer. by he end i could laugh again. then i talked to collin and alan came over. i was really tired and kept falling asleep while alan was here. then once i walked him home and went to bed i couldnt sleep again. i havent slept in so long. i feel shitty. i need some coffee. i need to have a cold shower...then im going to make cookies im thinking. if only alex would stop talking...no no i should listen...yes i'll stay and listen. wow...i think i need some more coke... |
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| BOO |
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| 04:24pm 11/02/2005 |
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well im in a super super bad mood. my sister stole my money so i didnt have any for smokes. then i went to school and it was fun until jay justin andrew and russle stole my spikes. i didnt care cause i knew i was going to get them back. then justin lost all but one. so i talked to mark who gave me the spikes in the first place and hes mad because i wasnt supposed to be talking to jusin in the first place and now i only have one spike and it turns out all 4 cost him 40 dollars. shit. andrew and justin threw my in the snow all the way home so im really wet and i got kicked in the stomach and head so im sore. i got a few really big bruises on my leg but yes alans on the phone bye |
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| drugs |
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| 08:25am 10/02/2005 |
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mood:  cranky
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alrighty. well i was all clean from the drugs. then alex and i got in a fight. no wait. i blazed once before the fight. and then i snortted some dex. but i was still pretty much clean. then alex said he was never talking to me again and i thought. why wasnt i doing drugs? because alex told me to? but alex doesnt give a shit? so i went to school and blazed and drank. i blazed 4 times that day and drank a 40. then i went home. and i forget everything about that night. the next day at school was yesterday. i went and blazed with alan and danielle and jessica and russle. i didnt do to much cause i had to teach after school. i went to class my daddy came and got me. to tought then i went home. alan called me and told me to come out to play. i met him at the ryerson rinks where grant was working. wooo whoo. we rolled a joint then saw jay andrea and rain. we went to morrisons car and all blazed there. i was fucked. then alan and i headed back to his house. we called russle then made him come over. he saw the video. (hahaha it is curved!) then we called jay and him and andrea and rain came over. shortly after that i went home and called mark. he said he was going to pick up then hed come and get me. so i waited. then alan called and i talked to him for a bit. then mark came. once at his place i drank a bottle of scotch in about 20 min and puked so my tummy was empty. then the fun started. we blazed. then i got sleepy so i did a few lines. then when i was coming down from that i blazed again. i by myself smoked 7gs lastnight at marks. plus 2 of coke. i know alan wont be happy. oh well. its not like im planing on spending my life with him or anything. now im off to go pick up alan for school. i think we are going to blaze first. who knows. |
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| ....................................................................... |
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| 05:52pm 07/02/2005 |
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Well went back to school today. that was lame. dicided to sit in another la class cause mine sucked. then walked to alans with him. we hung out there for a bit. then mom called and yelled so i went home hopping id be able to hang out with him later. i felt really shitty all day at school because of an email alex sent me. heres part of it
I’m seeing if I can change my ticket date to sometime in April, near the end, but I just as well get my drivers license sooner. I don’t want to see you again Brigit. I don’t want to talk to you anymore. There is no fixing this anymore. There is nothing left. If I see you, all I’m going to want to do is hold you, and that is not acceptable.
I don’t care if you don’t think this is far. Life isn’t far, you know that already. I don’t want to talk to you or Allan again. I don’t give a shit what you think about it. It isn’t my problem. I respect the Funks to much to do anything to Allan, so tell him to stay away from me. I don’t care if its ‘not his falt’ that doesn’t matter to me.
Tonight, I couldn’t breath, my chest was constricting and my body was over heating, I couldn’t see anymore, that is the first time I have ever had an anxiety attack. I have nothing left to say to you. I'm no longer going to let the beauty of the past cloud what is obviously bullshit.
Good bye, don’t write back, it will only be sent to my junk mail anyways
happy hu? ya i cried. i hate crying over him. then i went to my room. fixed my make up and wrote a poem you can read that to if you care to bore yourself
broken dreams
i will never find someone who held me like you did
kissed me like you did
wanted me like you did
loved me like you did
i will never find someone who will look at me like you did
talk to me like you did
forgave me like you did
wanted me like you did
i will never find someone who can hurt me like you can
make me cry like you can
make me smile like you can
make me dream like you can
i will never find someone like you
so why should i bother looking?
yup thats my poem. id give it to him. but i know hed burn it right infront of me so id rather not waste my paper. it would only bring more tears. Im sick of crying. fuck that. its gone. over. ek i only wish i could get over it as simply as i can say it. fuck fuck fuck. im thinking about leaving here. and not coming back. sure it would be like running away from my problems but i want to start all over. forget it all. hum. on a more happy note mom is making me go see a pschologist. yawhoo. it didnt help before and wont help now. im fucked up and nothing is changing that. |
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| fuck |
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| 07:58am 07/02/2005 |
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alex wont ever talk to me again. i caused him to have an attack of some sort. there goes my life out the window. my only dream. but. on a brighter note. i wont have to stop smoking for the time hes in. |
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| ekkk no sleep |
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| 07:56am 03/02/2005 |
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yesterday after my exam dad picked me up and took me to pan am to teach. once home i called nathan and asked him to come for a walk with me. he did. we went and got smokes then i called alan and made him come out to play. we went to ryerson and played on the ice. some dumb native chick was pissing me off like fucking hell. she kept asking us what gang we were in and kept saying alan was my boyfriend and hes to good for me and im to good for him. i got confused. then she told me my head was shaved. that was nice of her. without her i could have gone around not knowing. what a shithead. i cut my finger open good. i can see the slashed tendons. its hot. i cant really shut my finger all the way becasue the tendons get in the way. nathan alan and i went back to alans for a bit and played battleship. i helped alan cheat. HAHAHA. then mom dicided she missed me so i went home. i sat with her a bit. then she told me to go to bed. so i called alex and then alan called. i went out with alan to his place. we so watched porn togeather and his dog made out with my hand. he kicked my ass in pool too. then he walked me to ryerson and we talked there for a bit till around 12:30am then i went home. i was so fucking scared on the way home thanks to alan! SHADOWS!!! haha...ha...*runs home* today may be the day. the day for the plan. yes! unless jay told justin then justin avoids it. i'll kill him. bye |
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